Without any thought about how it would affect me, you call me to tell me your nani is very ill; despite saying good riddance to you, you know I still care for both you and your family. You asked me to pray for her; that I have been. For the first day or so, you messaged me updates on how she’s doing.
The next day when I asked how she was doing – nothing; no reply. So I get annoyed at myself for even caring, but the truth is – I do care, I really care. To such an extent, I spend the whole day feeling restless wondering how she is. Is she okay? Is she still in hospital? What’s going on? I decide to remember the saying, “you should stop crossing oceans for people who won’t cross puddle for you” and felt some form of comfort. I told myself, even if I knew how she was doing, my knowing wouldn’t affect her health; it wouldn’t make her better or worse. So all I could do was pray for her, so I am still praying for her and all of you.
Then, I came across an Islamic Page that took the same oceans and puddles quote and argued that no, you should cross oceans for those people; that’s what being a good Muslim and good person is about. Loving people without an agenda is what makes them heal; though this is the exact kind of love I needed, still need, it is one you could not give to me – nevertheless, I could try. Without placing myself back into the relationship, I messaged you; I told you, putting all previous pains and crap aside, as the friend I was once, I am here for you – genuinely here. And again I urged you to tell me how she was as I was feeling severely oshanti (restless). Again, no reply.
It had been days, almost a week and no reply.
So today, i gave in to the my tears and worries and called you, but you didn’t pick up.
What does all this mean? If I was to be dead to you, why did you call me to inform me of your woes? You know my weakness is that I want to help people, be there for them whether they are my lovers or foes. Why are you doing this to me? Has my love hurt you so much that this is how you repay me? Why are you torturing me just like them? Why did you let me believe I could be loved only to take it away slowly and painfully?
I had always believed no one would love me and so there was no need to open my heart up; you came along, and I broke my rules. Now you’ve broken me.
I wish this feeling would go away, but it consumes me.
I hope one day you wake up and realize what has happened, what you have done and what we could have been. Though I’m not a fool to think that day will ever come.
Oh Allah, if love is a sin, then I have sinned. Help me heal, help me. Help the little girl inside me, crying to be taken out of the darkness. Help her if not me. Give her relief, give her life – even if that means I must be punished with death.
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