To the one I loved more than I should have ..

Dear Ex,

Today I found out your sister just married a man she met a few months ago. You told me that her father-in-law has now passed away as he was terminally ill; the marriage was hurried so that he could see them unite which he did. May his soul now rest in peace.

However, all this has had me in a pool of tears for many reasons; your sister was a sister to me, and I was happy and hurt. Happy for her, hoping for a bright future for her. Hurt, as though she claimed I was her sister, I found out about the marriage via an instagram photo. Hurt, that I have no right now to comfort her. Hurt, I deleted her number so that I am never tempted to message her because I don’t know if she would like that. Hurt, that though she stopped talking to me even while we were together, I still loved her. Just hurt.

And I still cry, thinking how unloved I have been by all of you. Your sister, was “in love” with some other guy who treated her crap; she was still in contact with him early on this year when this alliance was on the table. However, she felt so much respect for this man she’s known for a few months and his dad, that for their sake she married him in such a hurry. That is something greater than love; it is deep humanity.

You, my love, on the other hand deserted me. You have known me now for over 4 years; loved me for almost 3 and to you I am now nothing. Yes, it is I who ended the relationship, but only because I felt you didn’t have the courage to do it yourself. You didn’t have the courage to admit that you no longer loved the new far more damaged me. You were stubborn in that you would always be with me, and for that sake you continued to break my heart on a daily basis. You were fine in your own world because I wasn’t in it anyway; in fact, somedays you’d forget to virtually let me know you were alive and ask if I was too. When my parents asked you to marry me, you hid behind your parents rejection. You fought with “I’ll fight for her when the time is right”; as the old cliche says, there is no such thing as the right time – this time is right.

Your neglect for my love, for my tears and feeling dehumanized me; I cried in silent screeches in my room on my own so I would not have to admit to the ones who really love me, that this is what the one I love does to me. All throughout, you are unaware – or aware and don’t care. I try to tell you, but you have no time. I cry. You see me cry. I cry as if my soul has died from the pain I have gone through; you held at me one point and I thought you understood – but clearly not.

When I felt my world had shattered, when even my own dad was faltering with his support for me – you said, “you do what you need to do, and i’ll be with you”. Right then and there, I mistook those words for sincerity. At a time when my pillars had shaken, in your words I had found solace. How wrong I was though. They say you should never rely on people, well whoever “they” are are most probably speaking from experience.

You don’t think I look presentable without lipstick on; you know I’ve had issues with my skin and my appearance since I was little. How I was never comfortable but you gave me the confidence to feel beautiful. In just that one line however, you stripped so much from me. You prefer my long hair, despite you knowing why I had chopped it off; to liberate myself and grown a new me. You feel I am not ambitious enough as my goals are not oriented around what you had originally thought about me; my goal right now is to survive, do well and do good. For you, that’s not enough. You can’t fight for me now; you say I need to be “economically independent” before you do. The truth that you struggle to tell me is that I am not good enough yet for you or your family. My dad’s occupation is of a great issue to you and your family; you need me to become something greater to compensate. You know I am extremely proud of my dad and what he does; how with nothing he has raised us is more commendable then the history of your own father.

And you know, you’re not perfect either. You have many faults, but because I loved you I never pointed them out. I always tried to deflect your faults as quirky personality traits that I loved you for anyway. I love your sisters like my own. I watched videos of your baby sister as she grew and cried when i saw her take her first steps. I loved your mum like mine and more because of the admiration you had for her. I was excited to be a part of those parties at your grandparents and aunts; i wanted to sing to all the little cousins and be a part of your family. And that is why I had to let myself hurt in letting you go. Because, as long as I am with you, I will never be a part of anyone’s family – not even my own.

The fact that despite all this I still hung on to you proves that I loved you more than you could ever love me, and more than I should have ever loved anyone.

Now I don’t know if i’ll ever have the courage to love again – courage to love like that again.

I wish you and your family all the best, and though I hope you have a happy life – I hope one day you realize what I could have been for you.

With my [confusing eternal] love for you,

your RSA

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One comment

  1. mybigbrownscandal · March 14, 2015

    Reblogged this on mybrownscandal and commented:
    Fellow bengali in emotional strife ><


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